There's A Warmth In My <3 It haunts Me When Ur Gone

11:09pm:

11:03pm:

10:16pm: OK I think It's Time I Revived This Thing
Hi world :) I just spent the last two hours reading my old entries. I'm amazed at how a few years have made a huge difference in my level of maturity. To make myself feel less like an idiot for the things my world revolved around not THAT long ago, I think I should start filling this with a more mature level of insanity :D

Does anyone use this site anymore? Is anyone reading this? For anyone that hasn't kept in touch with me since I abandoned this journal for the world of Myspace, a quick update on my life goes like this:

I stopped moving all over the damn place a little over two years ago when I met my boyfriend, Josh. I somehow found myself living in the same town that I vowed I would never even step foot in again. We had a child together, Julia Elaine. She'll be a year old on the 24th. I made my way back into the working world after being a stay at home mom for what proved to be too long. I work for a technology consulting company in Winter Park, have the coolest boss on the planet, and I'm learning a lot of new stuff that I'm hoping will help me decide if this is the kind of stuff I want to make a career out of. I still struggle with my sobriety, but that's life and I can only keep trying.

So, that's it for now.

9:16am: GOODBYE
I’m through playing games
that I know can’t be won.
Getting on with life, I’ll stop for no one.
The final blow that made me go,
is no longer important, you see…
All that is important now
is focusing on me.
Sounds rather selfish,
but I’m the only one
on which I can depend,
where I go in this life,
and how my story ends.
Because the possibilities are now
endless…
Unlike before
I really will feel born again
The day I walk out the door.

10:37am: This is my fault but I'm still annoyed! I'm ready to leave today for the weekend and i try to make a call.......it gets forwarded to nextel. i can't make outgoing calls!!! I don't have the money to pay my bill right now so until I do that I can only receive incoming calls, direct connect, and text messaging (thank god for that lol) Oh and just looked at my cable bill...it's going to be cut off SUNDAY...the day i get back, so um yea...you won't be seeing me online for a lil unless brad pays it. man i feel like a loser...i can't even pay my bill. it was much easier when i had a real job!!!! ahhhhhh

anyway i'm going to try and enjoy myself this weekend reguardless

5:30pm: i'm back i'm back i'm back!
lol i know most of my livejournal friends are people i actually KNOW and also my myspace friends so it's not like we haven't kept up...but yea, i'm going back to using this instead of the blogs on MS....so um....when i have something to write about, i will! :P

2:17pm: Lookie My First Phone Entry!

VoicePost 52K 0:14

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8:58pm: In Honor Of My Favorite Show :)

You are Lauren!


Which Laguna Beach Cast Member are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

5:31pm: My Day Today
Brad didn't go to work today. We woke up and did nothing together and it was great :) Then I ordered a pizza and we watched a movie together. After that I got an urge to clean up...and I just finished. Today has been an ok day.

Last nite when I was about to get off the computer someone IMed me saying they were an old friend. I, of course, imagined it was someone I didnt know or like, being immature and trying to fuck with me, as I don't really get IMs from people other than my friends. But no, it turned out to be STEVE....who I haven't seen or talked to in years! I almost fainted...because I have always wondered over the years what happened to him...if he was still in cali....he lives back in ft lauderdale now. he was a really good friend to me for a long time. so i'm really happy he found me (on myspace, of all places) and that we're back in touch. brad is a little wary of him, but i can't blame him for questioning my friends after the whore incident. yea, i don't think i need to even say her name, most people who read this know who she is.

well i need a shower....then i think i'm going to the library. do they make books on how to find normal frineds? lol

10:35pm: brad just came back from zoee's baby shower drunk.

lol


but it's cute...even tho he shouldn't have driven himself home.

at least he's happy and in a good mood. but when he comes back from walking the dog i'm sending him to the shower. i smelled the alcohol on him and it made me sick.

i'm getting my hair played with tonite. that makes me happy.

9:40pm: this weekend i:

didn't touch a drop of alcohol.

paid my late cable bill.

saw the movie "red eye"

finished the book i've been reading for weeks

bought the cutest hello kitty shirt online

found out a two-faced friend drove two hours to give my ex bf head. and he said she sucked at it.

to add to that found out a lot of other shit she said about me, reminding me why i have such few girl friends and rarely trust other girls

BUT on a positive note.....I DIDN'T TOUCH A DROP OF ALCOHOL. but i sure did eat a lot instead. lol. brad's taking me away to the keys on the 1st. my job assignment at baldwin park ended last week. what perfect luck. i feel better already....even tho i'll be down there w/o work for awhile....but hey....i seriously needed a vacation. :)

8:55am: i'm not ready to make a complete entry about what's been going on with me over here, but in the meantime, let me just say that chicken and stars soup makes me really thirsty.





oh and....since i no longer have anything to do with alcohol...i have realized just what a problem i did er.....DO in fact have with it, and i've been eating when i normally would be drinking. geez. it's a good thing that it's so hard for me to get fat...and that i could actually stand to gain a few pounds :)

11:17pm: Does anyone know where my period went?

10:21pm: finally got a call today from a place called snelling. i guess i sent my resume for one of the jobs they posted. they're a temp agency...and i'm going tomorrow morning to take some word and excel tests and interview.

i saw my parents tonite finally. my mom thinks i'm too skinny.

don't ask about me and brad
don't ask about my living situation
don't ask if i know what the hell i want

I.DON'T.FUCKING.KNOW!!!!!!!!!

3:48pm: i got slapped hard across the face today from across the internet!
maadDave: you will always be a fucked up little girl to me..one that owes me money..even worse

=/

i guess @ least i believe in myself and i know that even though things are a little crappy right now, i am so far different than the gurl he knew. but still, ouch. :'(

5:48pm: Last nite Ale House with Lauren...I had so much fun *thank u gurl!* Makoto came up there too...always nice to see old friends

I've been feeling really weird lately about everything going on. It's scary that I don't know what is going to happen but I know it's my life and my future is up to me. Me and Brad are indeed broken up. But I do still luv him, obviously. He luvs me. And he keeps promising he's going to do something about his issues. I want him to get help for himself tho, not for me, to try and "win me back". I'm still living with him. Me and Lauren have been talking about getting a place together. I think that even if i were to get back together with him i don't want to live with him. But honestly...I need time to be alone. Alone means not be with Brad. Not date anyone. I like the friends that I have and I'm glad i've gotten to reconnect with a lot of people i haven't seen in the whole time me and brad have been together. But anything further than just friends is not what i want/need. i almost forgot what it was like to be single and going out these past weeks has reminded me that it can be a lot of fun...but @ the same time really lonely. I've also been reminded how fucking annoying guys can be when tryin to spit their game...when i was downtown friday nite, i was sitting next to jay and his gf, and jay got up to get a drink or something, and as soon as he turned his back this spanish guy comes up to me and tells me his cousin "thinks i'm cute and wants to know if i like him too" wtf?!?! besides the fact that no, he wasnt cute, what r we, middle school kids? lol jay's gurl saved me and told him we had to pee, and we'd be back. i lost them till the end of the nite when the cousin approached me and this other chick i was talking to, who btw was gay, and he was like, u ladies wanna come back to my crib, i got beer and all the weed u could ever want....geez it was sooo pathetic! lol i'm gonna try and stay away from downtown...or @ least not get back into the habit of going there every weekend.

i wanna write so much more about my weekend, cuz really, it was great. well minus noah getting his car towed and of course i was to blame because i told him to park there, cuz EVERYBODY parks there and i've never seen anyone get towed, but they picked that nite i guess. some other people that were downtown with us ended up getting towed from that lot, too. i offered to go where he was and help him pay to get his car, but he was like no i guess he had his friend coming and then he was like..."i really don't want to talk to u" well then...i felt bad but have it ur way. so now i'm giving him what he wanted. it sux tho...cuz i like hanging out with him. anyway i can't say anymore about anything.

anyway....skating tonite @ semoran skateway...kevin and ronda invited us...should be fun.

6:48pm: ehhhhhh sometimes i really don't want all the attention...i just wanna be left alone

6:23pm: So last nite was a lotta fun. My friend Jeremy came and picked me up and we went to his place...he had a party...and i must say i had a lotta fun :) My friend, Howard that I met thru working @ tilt-con showed up a lil later in the nite and made sure i made it safely to bed. i don't think we left there until like 3 or 4...it was nice to see jeremy again. i realized i hadn't been to his house in over a year. but that's what happens sometimes when u get in a relationship...u grow distant from ur friends. it really shouldn't be like that and i'm glad i'm getting the chance to reconnect.

this afternoon howard took me to eat @ red lobster...mmm it was PACKED tho cuz of i guess mother's day. anyway my weekend was good. i wish i could say i was returning to work tomorrow like the rest of the working world, tho. i think i'm gonna say fuck my fucked up hand and get another job right away. it sucks but money is my biggest concern right now because without it i can't take care of myself and i can't break free. till next time...

4:37pm: so i just got back from the orthopedic surgeon...no pain! i was really scared that he was going to have to remove the whole top part of my nail that's just sitting there but he said as the new one grows in (yes it's gonna grow back!) it'll push the old one out. so it's all stitched and bandaged...and i won't have to change it again until i go back to see him next week. i can actually use my right hand now, too. i'm so relieved. i was worried for a bit that something was wrong when i took the dressing off and my finger was completely numb and purple in spots, and then the rest of it was white and looked like it was gonna fall off lol. this was no doubt one of the worst injuries i've ever had, and i should feel fortunate for that.

anyway...brad's father is paying all my doctor bills and i'm really glad. let me clear it up that brad didnt mean to do that to me but he did slam the door in anger after we were fighting, so i obviously think it was his responsibility to take care of it. i'm back at home for the moment until i can get work somewhere else...YES I LOST MY JOB BECAUSE OF THIS! the temp agency told me to call them once i know what's goin on with my hand and they'll put me somewhere new...but i've already started sending my resume out to different companies and i've gotten two calls back so far. one guy called me today and did a phone interview...for a job that pays 15 bucks an hour...i must say that's not too bad :) anyway i'm gonna get something to eat.

8:00pm: as i was leaving sunday to meet a potential new roommate, brad was mad and slammed the door behind me....only i wasn't out the door yet.

not only is my finger broken...the nail was ripped from the nail bed up...and they had to stitch it back to my finger. WORST PAIN EVERRRRR. and a friend of mine from work was an angel and stayed with me the whole time in the ER. i have never been in this much pain b4...but it really made me open my eyes to a lot. so yah...that's why i'm not updating much anymore :(

5:09pm: well that's it i broke up with him.

i was hoping for a mature breakup being that we both realize it's just not going to work. at least not right now.

i've been talking to a couple people about a place to move. i'm scared but i'd rather be scared than not do anything to make my life happier. i know for a fact that u can love someone with all of your heart but it still not be enough.

2:53pm:

hahahahaha

11:49pm: i went to daytona today with brad. i know i live in florida and should be going to the beach every weekend but i've only been to daytona like 3 or 4 times in my whole life. what can i say, i really don't care for that beach. we headed out sorta late...i just wanted to go to the pier and also to see all the new shops and restaurants and shit. i wanted to eat @ the bubba gump shrimp place but there was like an hour wait it looked like so we ended up eating @ some restaurant on the pier. it sucked. it sucks i paid 30 dollars for food we barely ate, too. then we headed back to town and saw hitchhikers guide to the galaxy. i loved it. now i'm home. my body hurts. tomorrow i'm supposed to go to church with christina and then me and brad have plans to go to cocoa beach and i guess billy and trish are out there. ok i'm done for now.

6:48pm: I can't really talk about shit going on right now cuz even some of the people closest to me don't know what's been going on. but let me just say that miss jessica is going to start taking steps to make HER OWN FUCKING SELF happy. i realized something today...even if brad and i weren't having a really bad time right now, our reltionship isn't going to progress to the next step until i am able to be 100% completely totally happy, independent and stable BY MYSELF. i know one thing's for sure. i am NOT happy right now. and it doesn't all have to do with the problems we've been having. some of it is with myself. god i wish i could just let it all out to someone....but i can't. there is so much to tell. so much i'm feeling. somewhere something changed.

8:00am: i like my new nextel :) i asked for the 500 text messages/month for 7.99 and yesterday found out the gurl @ the nextel store gave me some basic data services plan for 9.99 instead so i now have unlimited internet and IM/email crap that i'll never use. i just wanted the text messaging. but it's ok...maybe it'll be useful @ some point.

my parents r going to baltimore thurs or friday....they will be there for two weeks for a job my dad's doing. i was supposed to go for the weekend. i won't be going.

brad's getting the cast put on today on his hand. o wait. BRAD punched the wall and broke his hand in 3 places. >=[

that is all for now.